Trust is an expectation that a familiar person will not harm us at a time when we are vulnerable. Trust simply is placing confidence in others that they will be supportive and loyal to us. We need to feel secure and save sharing our feelings, thoughts, and past experiences with them. Again it is all about security and certainty. In relationship with others from friendship, intimate, family, and business relationships, feeling that nothing will disrupt the bond and loyalty is significant to us. We have expectations that people close to us will not intentionally hurt or take advantage of us when we are vulnerable or if we make mistake.
Loyalty will create sense of security in close relationships. To fulfill this basic need, gaining trust becomes significant condition in building a healthy relationship. We are constantly looking for new skills, methods of evaluation, and personal information about individuals in the beginning of relationship just to gain trust. The question, how and when to trust is on our mind all the time. Should we break up the connection with one sign of mistrust? Should we give the person a second chance? Where is the boundary and limits?
Finding answer to these questions should start with a basic principle, everything is relative to time, place, and situation. During the process of building trust, considering the law of probability is a significant factor. To a large degree, building trust in people is a history-dependent phenomenon. We should realize that there is minimum chance of building an absolute level of trust in any person or situation. Being successful in using law of probability in building trust requires meeting four conditions:
1. Getting to know yourself. Knowledge about our values, beliefs, issues in childhood, pattern of abuse in the past, and our vulnerable emotional spots.
2. Getting to know the person or group having relationship with is crucial. Knowledge about their pattern of behaviors, thinking, and way of approaching life circumstances. We do not spend enough time knowing people. There is no need to be paranoid. Just use your common sense. For example if someone is negative about other people and gets irritated about any situation, there is a chance that you will be the target of similar behaviors in this relationship. This approach is different from making judgment or being prejudice about individual differences. For better understanding of people we must be clear about our own values and principles. If we are not clear about our principle we need to get busy to build one.
3. Self-confidence and self-acceptance. Individuals with low self-esteem have difficulties to believe that they are deserving love and attention of others. They evaluate people with doubts and mistrust in comparison to themselves. With their victim and vulnerable thinking, they build a false belief that they will become victim again.
4. Changing your negative perception about people and avoiding mentality of living with fear.
Forming a new belief that not everybody has hurtful intention. Also creating freedom of thinking mentality and letting go of fears. Fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of failure, and fear of getting hurt again are major obstacles to building trust in relationship and in people.
SOLUTIONS
After meeting these four conditions, you will observe and understand a positive connection between trust and law of probability in all relationships.
The usual pattern of building relationship with others is dominated by relying on few attractions that we see in person or objects. For example, if somebody is attractive, talking nice and is charming we open up our heart and emotion to that person. We have tendency to ignore weaknesses and thinking either will go away or we will change them. In business, during the process of buying an automobile we allow the salesperson set the desirable monthly payment for us. We fail to research and study the details of the selected automobiles and our financial capabilities before the negotiation. If something goes wrong, we blame the dealership and suddenly loss trust in them. With detail research and understanding of what we are looking for, we are able to lower the probability of getting a bed deal and as a result losing trust.
Past patterns of behavior and thinking, are indicators with high probability that similar behaviors will be repeated in future. Learning about people's past pattern of thinking and behaviors and becoming familiar with the person and situation will diminish the probability of getting hurt and losing trust. If we do not follow these principles, eventually we loss trust in our own judgment. Taking time and observing pattern of behaviors, being clear about our needs and wants are important factors in process of meeting people and building trust.
You must apply the principles of 90/10, in building trust in people and protecting yourself from getting hurt. Nobody will score 100 in our accounting book. We give everybody 10 points for just being a human being, operating under the influences of emotions, hormones and external forces. The closest person in our life has a 10 % chance of hurting us for what ever reasons. So we will put this in our calculation. We are expecting that closest person to us may hurt us with his/her poor judgments. Therefore, closest people to us will start with 90. With law of probability, any common and customary mistake will teach us about the person area of weakness and chance of making poor judgment in relationship. If somebody borrow money from us and did not meet the agreement that we set, he/she will move to a lower level. We will not disconnect from him/her. Also we will not drop the person from our list of friends and close associates. We simply learn that this person is not trust worthy in the areas of financial and money management. In world of building credit and banking you fail to follow the agreement, you will get the lower score on your credit. In future the market will not trust you until you build that trust back again. They will not drop you unless you show them a pattern that you are not trust worthy at all. From that point, the red flag goes up for you. This person still can be a hard working employee, and a good friend in other areas of life.
TRUST BUT VERIFY
In everyday contacts and interaction with people following this principle will give us another layer of assurance. Assuming that most people are not trust worthy will block you from going forward in journey of being successful. As the "Law" clarify: people are Innocent until proven guilty. Again, if the pattern of behaviors through time prove that individual or a group is not consistent with what they promise, than you rule guilty verdict. For example,during the first 3 months of relationship with someone, you recognize a pattern of repeated mood swing, lies, being angry with other people and you, controlling tendencies, and not being emotionally available to you when you need him/her. You give it a chance, until it was proven that this person is not meeting your needs and expectations. What do you do? If you have clarity about what you want than you make a decision to move on. If you are not clear you continue the toxic relationship and keep complaining about lack of trust and play a victim role.
A person that is addicted to a substance and been using it for a long time eventually will build a habit. This pattern and habit will continue showing up in most areas of his/her life until that person understand the reason for this addiction and see the benefit for change. Without serious change in his thinking and way of evaluating pain and pleasure, the probability of him returning to old habits is very high(75%). It should be clear that an addict without high desire for change and taking action is not trust worthy. It does not mean that he is a bed person. He has high probability of relapse and hurting you.
Your decision in this relationship is based on your detail evaluation of situation. We should give people close to us a chance to change the old and destructive pattern of behaviors. If they repeatedly fail to do it, either they have mental, emotional, or character issues or they are not ready and clear for change. Yes treatment is an option and we need to give it a fair chance. After that separation and forgiveness are the best options.
Change is possible if we see the benefit for change. To create change and build trust in people and in yourself, you need freedom of thinking and passion for living with clarity and peace of mind.
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